The Surgey

My appointment was for 5:00 in the evening since they tend to do the Lasik surgeries in the evening so that after they get done slicing and burning you they can send you in a taxi home to go to sleep. Yeah right.
I was sent to an operation room waiting area where I was met with my personal nurse, stop it, the nurse was a male since he would be accompanying me through all the processes which meant joining me in the bathroom and all that. I was given my gorgeous blue outfit which consisted of some baggy pants and a Chinese style shirt that used strings to tie up the front of it versus buttons. This was joined by some basic lounge sandals and a nice paper based fast food like head cap to wear to keep my out of control locks from getting in the way. Fair enough. Looking decked out I headed for the huge lazyboys in the lounge and watched some CNN. Bumrungrad is the bomb. BTW – yes there are some pretty hot nurses scooting around the hospital. My time to get cut and burned was suppose to be around 6:30 but I was the last victim for the night and the doctor was running late so I don’t think I entered the cauldron until 7 or so. I was given a couple of pils which I was told was some muscle relaxants and then sent outside to lay down on a gurney. Now I was getting nervous. They wheeled me down a huge hallway and aligned my chariot along the wall and I was told to relax since it would be another 15 minutes before I entered the operating room. I have been in hospitals many times but this was going to be the first time I was having something serious done so I was starting to get a little edgy.
From here on out I will be describing the process step by step. When I was using the net for some Lasik research I was surprised that although I found some videos, some step by step procedures and lots of explanations I never found a personal account or a blow by blow so to speak. After the surgery I also found that the only people I could talk to in detail about the surgery was those who have also experienced it because it seems that it is just to uncomfortable for most people who have never been through it to talk about it. Well – I am a big talker and I have to share when I go through things like this so I figure I will provide a blow by blow as best as I can remember it. So if you are a bit squeamish you may want to skip this part.
They wheel my gurney in to the Lasik OR room and ask me to step up and get onto the specialized bed made for the Lasik machine. The room is big, slightly cool and mostly filled by the huge Lasik machine and a row of computers and diagnostic equipment on one side. I see Dr. Chate, makes me feel a little more at ease, a nurse and another female eye doctor. Dr. Chate starts explaining that once I relax and get comfortable they will slide my bed under the machine to practice a bit with me keeping my eye open and steady looking at small orange flashing light. Sounds easy. I had not trained for this but I was sure this part I could handle. My head was cradled pretty tight in a bladder like pillow that was inflated with air to mold itdelf to my head and neck preventing my head from any lateral or horizontal movement. Feeling constricted yet safe I continued to let my body will itself over to the large machine that was getting ready to zap my eyes. I guess we all take modern technology for granted most of the time but I was suddenly starting to realize how amazing modern medical technology is and my thoughts went out to the Quality Assurance team who had worked on the Lasik machine hoping they did a much better job than I know most of the QA people do with modern enterprise software or very well known crap like Windows.
The doc slid my commander chair under the machine to practice my light watching skills. Open your eyes, stay steady – okay u see the light? Yes. So beautiful it is. Okay. Let’s try with the other eye. Yup. I see it with that one too. The doc says that I will need to keep my eye steady and looking at the light. The machine will do the rest. That’s it? Has to be more to it. And there is, much more to it, but let’s face it - if they really told u about every step of the process my guess is most people would back out. I still ask myself now, having almost healed but still not seeing great, would I have gone through with the procedure had I known what it was like and how long the healing process would take? I am not sure really. Every once in a while my right eye focuses with such clarity that I am just amazed with how crisp the vision is knowing I have not felt like that for years even when wearing contacts or glasses. During those brief moments I tell myself for sure I would have had the procedure done knowing what it was like but then other moments when my left eye still hurts like a MF I tell myself there is no way I would have had Lasik knowing what it was like. Tough call. I was explaining to one friend that someone needs to invent some technology where u wear some skull cap that can briefly generate the exact feeling of a particular form and severity of pain. Then during your Lasik consultation the doc can say would u like to know what the after surgery pain might feel like? Sure, why not? He pops on the skull cap contraption, punches a few keys on his computer and says here u go. Boom. Ouch. No thanks I think I will just get some new glasses or you might be saying I can deal with it. Carry on.
Carrying on. The doc slides me out from under the machine to prep me for the surgery. First they clean my face and put some sort of antibacterial ointment around my eyes. Then they tape both eyelids for each eye out of the way. I know this my sound stupid but think about it. U stop seeing when u close your eyelids. So with your eyelids taped open your eyes have to see everything. That’s right. You have to watch the procedure being done on your own eye, but wait why can’t u just knock me out and let me “sleep” through this. They can’t so deal with it. At this point I must admit I was getting a little nervous squirming in my chair a bit. The doc even told me to chill out and quit moving. Okay sorry I said  - just a tad freaked out and nothing had even happened yet. Nice. Then the doc stretched some latex over each eye and taped it into place. Eyelids taped open, eyes looking straight up scared shitless I felt the chair sliding back into place under the machine. The doc then told me he was going to cut the latex open on my right eye to begin the procedure. I could see through the latex as his hands using some scissor like device cut a nice hole into the latex basically only exposing my eyeball to the elements. Then the doc said they would be putting something on my eye to hold my eyeball in place and that I would be feeling some pressure at this point but to stay still. I felt a sort of like vise grip for the eye being put into place and could feel it lock down around the eyeball. For sure I felt some pressure and at this point I could tell I could not really move my eye around anymore even thought I tried. The doc noticed this and told me to hold still and watch the orange blinking light. My true friend at this point a stupid blinking light. Focus. Then the doc said the next step would feel even more uncomfortable. And it did. I think at think point he was either drawing a circle outlining the flap of skin that was going to be cut or was actually starting to cut it. I need to ask to be sure. Now this is where Lasik and Epi-Lasik part ways. In both procedures the top flap of your eye is moved out of the way to allow the laser to reshape the actual lens of your cornea. Traditional Lasik using some sort of alcohol based solution to separate the flap from your eye and slide it out of the way for the Laser to burn the correction in. Then they slide the flap back and you are done. In reality this process is less painful but is not as healthy to the eye given that the solution is a chemical and can kill some cells. Epi-Lasik actually slices the flap off, the laser burns away and the flap is put back. I am not sure if the flap is totally cut off or just cut enough to open up like a cup of noodles cover, then you laser and shut the flap. Like when you close the lid on the cup of noodles to allow the hot water to work their magic on the noodles. We have all watched the idiot who completely removes the lid on the cup of noodles and then wonders how to cover the noodles while the hot water does the trick. So this is how I imagine the Epi-Lasik working. As I was clamped down the tool cuts across sliding the flap out of the way as it goes but leaving the edge of the flap attached while holding the flap out of the way so the laser can burn away. To make this painfully clear because you see this all happening - I watched as the tool cut across my eye to remove the flap and I could see and feel the flap being put out of the way. I was really gripping the chair at this point and wishing I could just pass out. It was not the pain so much as it was having to watch all this happen to your own eye. Then the doc said that I would need to focus on the light for 15 seconds or so while the laser worked. I focused but still wanted to just escape my body and watch this all happen from over the doc’s shoulder. Just seems to me at the time that it would have been a better vantage point. Thinking about it now I find I need to step away from the keyboard for a bit to regroup.
With the flap out of the way the doc said to focus on the blinking light while the laser did the trick. He also mentioned not too worry about the clicking noise the machine made. Click, click, click and on the machine went burning my path to corrected vision. During this time I remember for a few seconds not being able to see at all – like I had suddenly lost my vision. The doc told me this was going to happen and not to worry. I am not sure what actually happenes but at one point during the laser working u just stop seeing. That was freaking scary but it happens so quickly that just as you are about to really lose it you start to see again. Okay I know this part is weird but I have to mention this. With as big as that machine is why can’t they figure out a way for it to be silent? Honestly I do not need any audible clues that the laser is working and I can’t imagine the doctor does either. This next point I am sure no one can do anything about except one could wear nose plugs but given the anxiety of the situation I am sure no one wants to mess up the patient’s breathing but while the laser is doing it’s thing you actually smell your own flesh burning. Nothing overwhelming but enough to let u know that the laser is connecting with some live flesh. Nice isn’t it?
Laser done the doctor proceeds to put the flap back in place and looks to hold it in place for 30 seconds or so with his finger. Thanks doc. Try not to sneeze cause I would hate for the front of my eye to be all crooked and shit. Then the doctor puts a rather large contact in your eye which basically acts to hold the flap in place and doubles as sort of a bandaid. At this point your own eyelids coming into contact with the newly cut flap in your eye would be quite painful so the contact is there to act as sort of a a buffer and later I would learn how wonderful these contacts were. The doctor then put some tape of over my eye so I would relax and try not to look around too much. He also said I could close my eye at this point. Nice but at this point the burning sensation in my eye seemed to persisst whether or not I closed my eye or left it open. Just as I was feeling so proud of myself and started to relax a bit the doc said it was time for the other eye. Oh shit. I have to do this two times? I forgot that all that hell was just for one eye.  Oh man. Anyway. At this point I was more agitated than before since with the first eye I was not sure what to expect but now having done one eye I was more scared than before. No need to explain the rest. Rinse and repeat. The whole process repeated but on the left eye. I took everything in me to just relax and to try to stop from going postal. I almost told the doc I could only handle one eye this year but I knew that would be stupid and I should just get it all over with. Deep breaths and he moved on. I recall remembering less about the left eye than the right because for some reason although I remained totally conscious through it all I just seemed to tune out a tad more and I am glad I did.
All cut up and burned I hopped, right, back on the gurney and was wheeled out to another post OR room. There I was cleaned up, had bug-like plastic covers taped over my eyes and was helped into my street clothes. Then they wheeled me to the pharmacy to pick up my much needed medications and then over to the taxi queue. I am sure I was just in a bad mood but having to wait for a taxi at this point really was making me crazy. After what seemed like an eternity, 15 minutes, I was helped into the taxi and on my way home to begin the 2 weeks of suffering.